A Relationship Therapist Anoyera Pa 'Spark' vs. 'Kuongorora Mabhokisi' Gakava

Zvemukati

• Ongororo ye

"Unondikwanira mabhokisi akawanda kwazvo, uye zvinondifadza chaizvo, uye ndinonzwa kugadzikana ndinewe, asi pane iri spark yandave ndichitsvaga uye handina chokwadi kana ichiripo."

Wakambonzwa mazwi aya anotyisa kubva kune waungango fambidzana naye? PaMuvhuro kuiswa kwe Bachelor MuParadhiso, vataridzi vakatarisa semukwikwidzi Jessenia Cruz akataura aya mazwi kune tarisiro tarisiro Ivan Hall. "Saka chii chakanyanya kukosha kwauri, spark kana mabhokisi?" Hall akabvunza Cruz zvakare. Mhinduro yake: "Inopenya hachisi chinhu chinogona kumanikidzwa." (Ona: Zvidzidzo Zvitanhatu Zvehukama Zvaunogona Kudzidza kubva ku'Bachelor MuParadhiso')

Beyond the bubble iri iro Paradhiso, zvisinei, iwe unogona kunge uchishamisika: chii chinonyanya kukosha paunenge uchitsvaga shamwari, "kutarisa mabhokisi" kana "spark?" Ndiwo mubvunzo vazhinji vakawana munzira dzavo dzekufambidzana, uye inogona kunge isingaite senge binary sezvazvinoratidzika. Sepabonde, hukama, uye murapi wehutano hwepfungwa - tisingatauri Bachelor aficionado - heino kutora kwangu pane iyo nyaya.

Kutanga, ngatitaurei nezvemabhokisi iwayo. Zvinogona kuve zvinomiririra zvezvakasiyana zvakasiyana zvinhu zvinokukanganisa iwe nehukama hwako. Semuenzaniso, musi weMuvhuro chikamu che Bachelor MuParadhiso, mukwikwidzi Joe Amabile akagovana nekufarira kwake kwerudo, Serena Pitt, kuti iye nemusikana wake wemakore maviri, Kendall Long, vakanga varambana nekuti aida kugara pedyo nevadiwa muChicago nepo iye aida zvakafanana asi muLos Angeles. Kuve nekunzwisisa kwakasiyana nezvesarudzo dzakakura dzehupenyu, senge pekuisa midzi, ibhokisi rakakosha kutarisa, sezvo zvakakosha kuhukama hunofadza uye hune hutano.

Mamwe mabhokisi vanhu vanowanzoda kutarisa kuenderana nechitendero, maonero ezvematongerwo enyika, mari, bonde, mararamiro, uye vana, pakati pevamwe. Izvi ndizvo zvinhu zvingangotaurwa nevamwe se "kuve mukuru pabepa." Idzo dzakakosha tsika uye nzira dzekuona nekushanda munyika. Semuenzaniso, kana mumwe munhu achishuva mudiwa waanoda uye parizvino ari kupwanya munhu akasununguka kushanda pabasa rimwe chete hupenyu hwavo hwese, iro rinogona kunge riri bhokisi risina kumakwa. Rimwe nerimwe remabhokisi aya chikamu che "rese pasuru" rauri kutsvaga. Hapana masvomhu fomula inokuudza izvo iwo mabhokisi, chii chinokodzera bhokisi kuti riongororwe, kana kuti mangani mabhokisi anoda kuongororwa kuitira kuti iwe utore mumwe munhu mutambo wakanaka - unofanirwa kuzvisarudzira zvese izvozvo. (Inoenderana: Zvakakosha Sei Kunzwisisika Kukwezva Muhukama?)

Uye zvakadii ne "spark?" Iyo, kunyanya, ndiyo imwe nzira yekureva "chemistry" - kunyanya bonde kana rudo kemesitiri. FYI, kune marudzi akasiyana emakemikari aunogona kusangana nevanhu. Semuenzaniso, unogona kunge uine chakanakisa kugadzira chemistry nemunhu mumwe uye inopisa zvepabonde chemistry nemumwe munhu. Izwi rekuti chemistry riri kunyatso kutsanangura maitiro emakemikari muuropi anokuudza kuti: "Ngatipedzei nguva yakawanda nemunhu uyu."

Kune imwe sainzi kuseri kwemanzwiro aya, zvakare. Kudanana kwerudo uye kukwezva pabonde kunogona kunyatso kucherechedzwa chemakemikari muuropi. Kudanana kwerudo kunogona kuputswa muzvikamu zvitatu: ruchiva, kukwezva, uye kusungirirwa, uye chimwe nechimwe chezvikamu izvi chine seti yadzo yemahormones ayo anoburitswa kubva muhuropi kuti iite "chikamu" icho, sekureva kwechidzidzo kubva kuRutgers University.

Iyoruchiva chikamu inoratidzirwa nepabonde uye kubereka mahomoni estrogen uye testosterone. Ichi chikamu chinonyanya kutungamirwa nechishuwo chekugutsikana pabonde, pamwe nekushanduka kwekushambadzira kubereka, zvinoenderana nekudzidza. Muchidimbu, hongu, ruchiva kungoda bonde.

Iyo chikamu chekukwezva (funga nezvayo se "chikamu chehusiku"). . Ichi ndicho chikamu vanhu vazhinji vangangove kana ivo "vatora" mumwe wavo paari Bachelor MuParadhiso.

Iyo chikamu chekubatanidza inosanganisira makemikari akasiyana muuropi yako pane kukwezva, kunyanya oxytocin (hormone uye neurotransmitter inozivikanwa se "bonding hormone" iyo inogadzirwa ne hypothalamus inogona kubudiswa muhuwandu hukuru panguva yepabonde) uye vasopressin (hormone inogonawo kuwedzera panguva yakaoma. zverudo).

Izwi rekuti 'chemistry' riri kunyatso kutsanangura maitiro emakemikari muuropi anokuudza kuti: 'Ngatipedzei nguva yakawanda nemunhu uyu.'

Nekudaro, iwo makemikari anonyatso kukuchengetedza iwe muhukama hwenguva refu haana chekuita nemakemikari anokukwezva iwe kune mumwe wako pakutanga. Ndiyo nzira yakapusa yekuzvitaura. Unogona regadzira manzwiro ekuchiva uye kukwezva kune mumwe munhu gare gare muhukama - asi zvinenge zvisingaite kuvagadzira kana vasipo. Uye ndiyo pfarivari iyo ava Bachelor MuParadhiso vakwikwidzi vanoita sevari kutaura nezvazvo. (Zvinechekuita: Iye Bachelorette Kuchikoro Masasa MuGesi Lighting 101)

Saka, hongu, Cruz aive akarurama paakataura kuti chemistry haigone kumanikidzwa. Chinhu ndechekuti, vanhu mhuka dzakaoma, saka chemistry inowedzera kuoma: hazvigoneke kumanikidza chemistry, asi zvinogoneka kunzwa kemisitiri kukura zvoga payakanga isati yambovapo. Wakambodanana neshamwari here? Hazvinzwiki.

Uye padivi reripi, kemesitiri yega haina kukwana pakubatsirana uye kwenguva refu kudyidzana. Kuti uve nehukama hune hutano uye hwakachengeteka, unoda ruzha "imba yehukama," maererano nedzidziso kubva kuThe Gottman Institute, sangano rinoita tsvakurudzo yehukama.Kune zvinomwe "pasi" (kuvaka mamapu erudo kana kuzivana, kugovana rudo uye kuyemura, kutendeukira kana kupa rutsigiro kune waunofambidzana naye, maonero akanaka, gadzirisa kupokana, kuita kuti zviroto zveupenyu zviitike, uye kugadzira chinangwa chakagovaniswa), uye "masvingo" maviri (kuzvipira uye kuvimba). Chemistry inogona kuita kuti unzwe wakabatana zvakanyanya kune mumwe munhu, asi pasina hwaro hwehukama hwakasimba, iyo spark inogona kusakwana kuti igare kwenguva refu, kana inogona kupinda munzvimbo ine muchetura.

Chinhu ndechekuti, zvese izvi zvinonetsa kuisa mukati pakusarudza mudiwa mune Paradhiso. Muchirevo chechinyorwa ichi zvakananga, zvinoita sekunge kuda kunenge kunogara kuchitonga pamusoro pekubatana kushoma moto kune mukana wekuvaka. Sei? Zvakanaka, pashoo, vakwikwidzi vanofanirwa kuita sarudzo nekukurumidza pamusoro peavanoda kuva naye. Vanogona kugona kuputirwa murudo rwechamupupuri, vachipoterera zvakanyanya kumoto pane chinongedzo chinogona kudzika nekufamba kwenguva. (Zvakabatana: Zvazvinonyatsoreva Kuita Zvepabonde Chemistry nemumwe munhu)

Saka Cruz akaita sarudzo chaiyo neMuvhuro here? Kana paine chinhu chimwe chete chaunogona kutora kubva pakuona Bachelor MuParadhiso, ndezvekuti iwe haugone kusarudza kune chero munhu chisarudzo chakanakisa kana chakarurama.

Zvinogona kutora nguva kuti uone kuti unobatana sei nemumwe munhu. Kunyangwe zvinotora masekondi matatu (sekumwe kutsvagiswa kwakaratidza) kana makore matatu, teerera kune yako intuition uye ita izvo zvinonzwa zviri nani kwauri.

Chinhu chimwe chaunofanira kungwarira paunenge uchiedza kupinda mukati mako, zvakadaro, kusagadzikana kusingagadziriswe. Kusagadzikana kunetsekana (aka asina kugadziriswa maronda epfungwa kubva kune ako apfuura) anogona kuzvishongedza se "gut manzwiro" kana intuition. Uropi hwako hwakamanikidzwa kukuchengetedza iwe, uye dzimwe nguva zvinopesana neizvo iwe zvaunoda. Semuenzaniso, kana iwe ukasangana nechiitiko chinoshungurudza muhukama hwako hwekupedzisira, uropi hwako huchaedza kukudzivirira kuti usadzokororazve mamiriro akafanana - ayo anogona kuzopedzisira uropi hwako huchikanganisa chero mukana wehukama mukuedza kukuchengetedza. Kamwe kushungurudzika kwagadziriswa, unogona kutora zviitiko zvitsva nepfungwa dzinoziva uye dziripo. (Ona: Maitiro Ekushandira Kupfuura Nenjodzi, Zvinoenderana neye Therapist)

Saka chii chakanyanya kukosha kuhukama: kutarisa mabhokisi, kana spark? Hapana mhinduro imwe. Zvinouya pauri kuzviziva iwe pachako zvakakwana kuti unzwisise kuti kuchiva uye kukwezva kunonzwa sei mumuviri wako - tisingataure, hunhu uye hunhu hwaunoshuvira zvakanyanya mumumwe wako. Inofanirwa kunzwa yakanaka, uye inofanirwa kunge ichinzwa mushe, asi inogona zvakare kuve muunganidzwa wemanzwiro kubva kubva kunonakidza kusvika kune zvinotyisa zvachose panguva imwe chete. Kunyanya kuzviziva iwe uye zvaunoda, zviri nyore kuziva kana mabhokisi ako akatariswa, kana iwe uchinzwa iyo spark, uye kuziva chaizvo kuti yakawanda sei yaunoda kune yega kuti unzwe kugutsikana nekubatana.

Rachel Wright, MA, L.M.FT., (iye/iye) inyanzvi yezvepfungwa ine rezinesi, mudzidzisi wezvepabonde uye nyanzvi yehukama inogara muNew York City. Iye mutauri ane ruzivo, mubatsiri weboka, uye munyori. Akashanda nezviuru zvevanhu pasi rese kuti avabatsire kuridza mhere zvishoma uye nekukwenya zvakanyanya.

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