Ndakaenda Kunetseka Kwangu MaMedhi kuti ndibate Pamuviri, uye Izvi Ndo Zvakaitika

Zvemukati

• Kutanga kwandakaita rwendo rwangu
• Kuenda kunze kwemishonga yangu
• Dambudziko remamiriro
• Maitiro andakaita kutonga
• Ndichizvitarisira

Ini ndanga ndichida kuve nevana kwenguva yakareba sezvandinogona kurangarira. Kupfuura chero dhigirii, chero basa, kana chero kumwe kubudirira, ini ndaigara ndichirota nezvekuumba mhuri yangu ndega.

Ndakafungidzira hupenyu hwangu hwakavakirwa pazviitiko zvekuva amai - kuroora, kubata pamuviri, kurera vana, uyezve kudiwa navo mukukwegura kwangu. Ichi chishuwo chemhuri chakakura chakasimba sezvo ini ndakakura, uye ini handina kukwanisa kumirira kusvikira yasvika nguva yekuitarisa ichizadzikiswa.

Ndakaroora ndiri 27 uye pandakanga ndiri 30, ini nemurume wangu takasarudza isu takagadzirira kutanga kuedza kubata nhumbu. Uye iyi yaive iyo nguva apo hope dzangu dzekuva amai dzakabatana neicho chokwadi chehurwere hwangu hwepfungwa.

Kutanga kwandakaita rwendo rwangu

Ndakaonekwa ndiine kushushikana kukuru uye kusakwana kwekuzvidya mwoyo pazera ramakore makumi maviri nerimwe, uyezve ndakashungurudzika paudiki pazera remakore gumi nematanhatu zvichitevera kuzviuraya kwababa vangu. Mupfungwa dzangu, kuongororwa kwangu uye chishuwo changu chevana zvagara zvakaparadzaniswa. Handina kumbobvira ndambofungidzira kuti hwakadzama sei kurapwa kwehutano hwepfungwa uye kugona kwangu kuita vana zvakabatana - chirevo chandakanzwa kubva kuvakadzi vazhinji kubvira ndichienda kuruzhinji nezvenyaya yangu yega.

Pandakatanga rwendo urwu, kukosha kwangu kwaive kubata pamuviri. Kurota uku kwakauya pamberi pechinhu chero chipi zvacho, kusanganisira hutano hwangu uye kugadzikana. Ini ndaisatendera chero chinhu kumira munzira yangu, kunyangwe hupenyu hwangu chaihwo.

Ndakachaja ndisingafungire kumberi ndisina kukumbira rwechipiri pfungwa kana kunyatsoyera zvingabude zvekubva pamushonga wangu. Ndakarerutsa simba rekurapwa kwepfungwa.

Kuenda kunze kwemishonga yangu

Ndakarega kunwa mishonga yangu ndichiongororwa navanachiremba vezvepfungwa vatatu vakasiyana. Ivo vese vaiziva nhoroondo yemhuri yangu uye kuti ini ndakapona mukuzviuraya kuzviuraya. Asi ivo havana kukoshesa izvo mukati pavanondiraira kuti ndirarame nekusatapwa kurapwa. Havana kupa mimwe mishonga yainzi yakachengeteka. Vakandiudza kuti nditange ndatanga kufunga nezvehutano hwemwana wangu.

Sezvo ma meds paakasiya system yangu, ini zvishoma nezvishoma ndakaburitsa. Ndakakuona kwakaoma kushanda uye ndakanga ndichichema nguva dzose. Kushushikana kwangu kwaive kure nemataiti. Ndakaudzwa kuti fungai kufara kwandichaita saamai. Kufunga nezvekuda kwandakaita kuva nemwana.

Mumwe chiremba wepfungwa akandiudza kuti nditore Advil kana musoro wangu ukanyanya kunyanyisa. Ndinoshuva sei dai mumwe wavo akasimudza girazi. Akandiudza kuti ndinonoke. Kuisa hupenyu hwangu ndega pekutanga.

Dambudziko remamiriro

Muna Zvita 2014, gore rimwe chete mushure mekugadzwa kwenguva refu yapfuura nachiremba wangu wepfungwa, ndakanga ndichikandirana nedambudziko rakakomba rehutano hwepfungwa. Panguva ino, ndakanga ndisisina yangu mishonga. Ndainzwa kuremerwa munzvimbo dzese dzehupenyu hwangu, zvese nehunyanzvi uye pachangu. Ndakanga ndave kutanga kuzviuraya. Murume wangu akatya achiona mukadzi wake ane hunyanzvi, akasimba achidonhera muhombodo yake.

MunaKurume wegore iro, ndakanzwa ndichipenga nekudzora ndikazviongorora muchipatara chepfungwa. Tarisiro yangu nezviroto zvekuve nemwana zvakapedzwa chose nekushushikana kwangu kwakadzama, kupwanya kushushikana, uye kutya kusingaperi.

Mukufamba kwegore rakatevera, ndakaiswa muchipatara kaviri uye ndakapedza mwedzi mitanhatu muchirongwa chechipatara chisina kukwana. Ini ndakabva ndadzoserwa pamushonga uye ndakapedza kudzidza kupinda-chikamu SSRIs kumamood stabilizers, atypical antipsychotic, uye benzodiazepines.

Ndaiziva ndisina kana kubvunza kuti vaizoti kuva nemwana pamishonga iyi yaisava pfungwa yakanaka. Zvakatora makore matatu ndichishanda navanachiremba kuti vabvise pamishonga inodarika gumi, kudzika kune matatu andiri kutora izvozvi.

Munguva iyi yerima uye nguva inotyisa, kurota kwangu kwekuva amai kwakanyangarika. Zvaiita kunge zvisingaite. Kwete chete kuti mishonga yangu mitsva yaionekwa seisina kuchengetedzeka zvakanyanya nekuda kwepamuviri, ini ndakabvunza zvakanyanya kugona kwangu kuve mubereki.

Hupenyu hwangu hwainge hwaparara. Zvinhu zvainge zvaipa sei? Ko ndaigodii kufunga zvekuva nemwana asi ini ndaitadza kana kuzvitarisira?

Maitiro andakaita kutonga

Kunyangwe nguva dzinorwadza zvakanyanya dzinopa mukana wekukura. Ndakawana rangu simba ndikatanga kurishandisa.

Mukurapa, ndakadzidza kuti vakadzi vazhinji vanoita nhumbu pavanenge vari pamishonga yekudzvinyirira uye vacheche vavo vakagwinya - kupokana nezano randakagamuchira kare. Ndakawana vanachiremba vakagovana neni tsvakiridzo, vachindiratidza chaiko data rekuti mishonga chaiyo inokanganisa sei kukura kwefetus.

Ndakatanga kubvunza mibvunzo uye kusundira kumashure pese pandainzwa ndichigamuchira chero saizi-inokodzera-ese mazano. Ndakaona kukosha kwekuwana rwechipiri maonero uye nekuzvitsvakisa ndega pane chero zano rezvepfungwa randakapihwa. Zuva nezuva, ndakadzidza maitiro ekuzvimiririra pachangu.

Ndakamboita nguva ndakatsamwa. Kushatirwa. Ndakakonzerwa nekuona vane nhumbu uye vanyemwerera vacheche. Zvairwadza kuona vamwe vakadzi vachisangana nezvandaida zvakanyanya kushata. Ini ndakaramba ndiri paFacebook ne Instagram, ndichizviwana zvakandiomera kutarisa zviziviso zvekuzvarwa uye mabiko evana ekuzvarwa.

Zvainzwa zvisina kurongeka zvekuti hope dzangu dzakange dzadzingwa. Kutaura nemurapi wangu, mhuri, uye shamwari dzepedyo kwakandibatsira kupfuura mumazuva iwayo akaoma. Ini ndaida kubuda uye kutsigirwa neavo vepedyo neni. Neimwe nzira, ndinofunga ndaishungurudzika. Ndakanga ndarasa hope dzangu uye ndakanga ndisati ndaona kuti ingamutswa sei.

Kurwara zvakanyanya uye kupora kwenguva refu uye kunorwadza kwakandidzidzisa chidzidzo chakakomba: hupenyu hwangu hunofanira kuve hwandinonyanya kukoshesa. Ndisati ndamboita chero chimwe chiroto kana chinangwa chingaitika, ndinofanira kuzvitarisira.

Kwandiri, izvi zvinoreva kuve pamishonga uye kushingairira kutora chikamu mukurapa. Zvinoreva kutarisisa mireza tsvuku uye kusakanganwa zviratidzo zvekunyevera.

Ndichizvitarisira

Iri ndiro rairo randinoshuva dai ndakapihwa kare, uye iro randichakupa ikozvino: Tanga kubva panzvimbo yehutano hwepfungwa. Ramba wakatendeka kune kurapwa kunoshanda. Usarega Google ichitsvaga kana kusarudzwa kumwe kuti uone matanho ako anotevera. Tsvaga rwechipiri maonero uye dzimwe sarudzo dzesarudzo dzinokanganisa hutano hwako.

Amy Marlow ari kurarama nekushushikana uye akajairika kunetseka kusagadzikana, uye ndiye munyori weBlue Light Blue, iyo yakanzi mumwe weakanakisa Kushungurudzika Blogs. Mutevere pa Twitter pa @_bluelightblue_.